We need to show self-compassion, to listen to our own needs, to be kind and don’t self-attack in the form of constant self-criticism.
It is a cruel and confusing phenomenon that often when we are hurting the most, and need the most support, the person we can rely on least to do this, is ourself. As you will see in the case studies in the book, when that hurt and anger is not expressed externally, it often takes the form of self attack. People may consciously or just below the conscious level find ways of saying “you idiot” “get on” “you’re pathetic” “it’s your fault” and myriad other self attacks.
Feelings are not facts
We need to recognise that feelings are not facts: feeling bad for instance, doesn’t make us bad. There may be many different conflicting and confusing messages going on in our mind - a useful way to find out what we are thinking is to write a journal.
Write down conflicting messages
Writing down conflicting messages, for example feeling both relieved and sad about the death, writing what we are feeling, enables us to begin to see what we are telling ourselves, and thereby clarify what is going on inside; giving us the information to ensure we find the right support. It is a well-researched source of self-support that has been shown to be as effective as therapy.
Be aware what our defence mechanisms are
We all need defence mechanisms, and it is useful to be aware of what ours are, and work out for this situation, whether we need to build other mechanisms too. If we tend to shut down when we are upset, it may mean we don’t get the support we actually need. It is useful to be aware of that and tell those close to us, how we are really feeling on the inside.
Denial has a part to play grief
Denial in grief is a natural and important part of self-protection, knowing is incremental because psychologically we couldn’t cope with the full knowledge all at once. Denial over time is eroded by reality as we begin to adjust to this new reality.
New losses can trigger previous losses
Our whole history of loss will be triggered, so a new loss is likely to bring back previous losses. We aren’t going mad, or failed to do the necessary grieving in the past – it is normal.